How to improve your relationship with your mother

The bond between mother and daughter is often thought to be impenetrable; unfortunately, many mothers and daughters have a hard time relating to each other, and their relationships become strained. If you and your mother do not have a relationship that is as strong as you wish it was, then it is likely bother you. Despite all of your problems with your mother, it is natural to desire closeness between the two of you.

You are who you are today because of your past. If you and your mother had a difficult relationship while you were growing up, then you may have a difficult relationship in the present. Holding a grudge is actually very natural. However, if you do not face, accept, and forgive your mother for what you perceive as mistakes in the past, then you will never be able to have a good relationship with her in your present. Try to think about why your past was so turbulent to begin with. Were you a rebellious teenager? Is it possible that your mother was being overprotective because she wanted to keep you safe? Remember, your mother is a human being, capable of making mistakes, capable of being afraid, and capable of being weak. Maybe she was too hard on you when you were growing up, but that was probably because she loved you so fiercely. It may have seemed at the time that she was trying to stifle your enjoyment of life, but that is very unlikely the reality of the situation. Talk to your mother about the past. Tell her why you have harbored resentment towards her, and give her the opportunity to express her point of view. If your parents divorced when you were child, and you were left in the position of choosing sides, then you may resent your mother for causing your relationship with your father to deteriorate. As a child, you may not have understood your mother’s feelings regarding the divorce. Now, as an adult, it is possible for you to listen to what your mother has to say and forgive her. Understanding often leads to forgiveness. If you felt that your mother was never there for you when you were growing up, and you always felt as if you were left to raise yourself, then you are likely to harbor anger towards your mother. However, now that you’re an adult, you may be able to take pity on your mother for the type of life she has led. You owe it to yourself to give your mother the opportunity to defend her actions so that you might understand why things were the way they were while you were growing up. It is time to look at your mother in a new way, with an open mind and a forgiving spirit. You are by no means supposed to forget your past, but you are absolutely supposed to come to terms with it.

Relationships are like gardens – they need water to grow. You can’t expect that your relationship with your mother will be strong unless you maintain it. Spending time with your mother should be a priority in your life. You only get one mother – don’t take her for granted. Many people lose touch with their parents when they move out of the house – you don’t automatically see each other every day anymore, so you have to put in an effort to stay in touch. Maybe when you went away to college, or you first left the home, you talked to your mother on the telephone every couple of days, and after a while it shot down to every week, then every couple weeks, then maybe once a month by the time you were a senior in college – as your life became more independent, you became less dependent on your mother and your parents. There’s nothing wrong with that – you are an adult; your relationship with your parents should no longer be about dependency; it should be about love. It should be about friendship. It should be fun – not dreaded. Make it a habit to call your mother every week – no exceptions. Get used to talking to your mother as a friend, not an authority figure. Even though you’re an adult, there can still be a tendency to talk to your mother in a different way than you would talk to any other adults. You become childish and defensive rather than friendly and respectful. Get to know your mother by talking to her about what’s going on in your life and by asking her about her own life. If you live in the same area, go out to lunch every couple weeks or go on a shopping trip together. Invite your mother to come for dinner with your family. Develop a relationship with your mother based on love, respect and friendship. If you free yourself from the shackles of the past that have been hindering your present, and you embrace future of your relationship with your mother, then your relationship will improve. If your relationship is severely strained, then talk to your mother about your desire to build camaraderie together – she probably wants the same thing.